The 6 Key Personality Traits You Need To Survive and Thrive Before, During and After Divorce
One of the questions I get asked all the time during TV and radio interviews is
“Zina, how have you been able to survive your divorce and live joyfully again?”
I would play act in the plush sofa I have been seated in on the set, shifting back more, take a deep breath and then give a ponderous look, deep in thought. Typically the interviewer would wait expectantly for some deep wise and profound answer. I guess as you read this, you are too.
After what probably seemed like hours, breaking the silence I would say ”I don’t know”
You could literally see the disappointment on the interviewer’s face.
Here’s what I do know:
Divorce is hard, it is traumatic, it is heart-wrenching and has been classified by psychologists the world over as one of the most stressful life-changing experiences anyone can face, coming in second after the death of a loved one. A divorce radically changes a family if children are involved. There can be great financial pressure. Your self-esteem can take a hit. You might feel embarrassed. You might have a lot of doubt and fear regarding the future. Quite frankly, any way you cut it, whether you are male or female and no matter your age or social class, a divorce is a lot to manage, transition through and eventually overcome. I know it was for me and although, it might not seem like that now when people meet me face to face or on social media with my characteristic warm wide-toothed smile. I feel it would be insensitive and glib of me to portray otherwise just because I am now completely whole again, emotionally, physically, spiritually and financially forgetting that it was not always like this no matter how many interviews I do or flashing big white smiles I give.
You could be reading this right now, believing that you will never be happy again.
While this might feel real and true at the moment, it really is all about choices, trust me! I know. It’s up to you how the rest of your life progresses. It’s a pretty safe bet that your divorce and the aftermath won’t be as bad as you anticipate.
In fact, a divorce can be a new beginning for a life that’s more fulfilling and filled with joy. In Spite of how happy I look now, it didn’t happen overnight for me and it won’t happen overnight for you, don’t give up as you could be on your cusp of a more meaningful and enjoyable existence right now.
I tell my clients that the first step to moving on with your life is surviving the divorce process itself. Whether it was you, your spouse or both of you together, who made the decision to divorce, you’re likely to feel a combination of fear, relief, anxiety, betrayal, rejection, anger, even perhaps regret.
These feelings can be overwhelming, but they do eventually pass. Keeping this fact in mind as you go through the process will make it easier for you. Knowing and believing that there is a light at the end of the tunnel can keep you sane.
While all divorces are unique and the grief cannot be overemphasised, there are certain people that manage the divorce process more successfully than others.
As a Divorce Recovery Coach and Personal Reinvention Strategist, through coaching hundreds of women and through my own personal journey, I have discovered that this is all down to particular personality traits you possess or eventually develop.
In today’s blog post, I will be sharing The 6 Key Personality Traits You Need To Survive and Thrive Before, During and After Divorce
Self Belief
The first step to surviving and thriving whether before, during and after divorce is to do all you can to protect your self-belief. As a relationship practitioner, I know the challenges people face every day trying to mask the cloud of shame, gulit, pain, regret and blame as well as feelings of unworthiness, so much so that your innate power of self-belief becomes lost, you feel as if you are losing control over your destiny.
Even with this, if you look carefully within, you will discover areas of potential growth in yourself that you can actually do something about. The strategy is to muster all your self-belief to actively address any “baggage” you brought to, or from, the marriage, this will give you the ability to begin to gain a sense of control over your destiny.
It takes immense courage to look at your core issues and not dwell on what your ex-spouse did or may not have done and be committed to wanting to develop some of the other key personality traits I will be sharing in today’s post.
Self-belief isn’t optional. It’s vital. Think of all the things you haven’t accomplished or tried because you didn’t have enough belief in yourself. And I am not just talking about now, how about when you were still married or even long before that. Self-doubt will always creep in at times in our lives. That’s why it’s so important to have an excess of belief in yourself
When you have self-belief, you become empowered, energised and liberated because you have refused to allow yourself get caught up in the impossibles but focus on what is possible. Self-belief drives you a create your new reality, a better life after divorce and no one can take that away from you.
Whenever you face a difficult moment in your divorce journey, take a deep breath both physically and metaphorically to rejuvenate your faith in yourself. Through it all, be reminded that it is you against the issue instead of you against yourself.
Optimism
A positive attitude about the future, although can be difficult, is a wonderful perspective to have and personality trait that puts anyone going through a divorce in good stead. Admittedly, divorce is incredibly stressful but having the belief that everything will turn out okay, in the end, is extremely powerful.
Being optimistic can make all the difference in the world. Imagine the difference in your day-to-day life between believing that the rest of your life is doomed versus everything will be okay. You might even eventually believe that your divorce is the best thing that could have happened to you in the long-run. If you don’t feel like that now, please don’t be hard on yourself or grimace as you read this…..baby steps!
Force yourself to examine the positive possibilities in every situation. Take, for example, you might be annoyed that you had to park at the back of the car park to drop off your children with their dad in his house on his co-parenting weekend. What is good about this? For one, you have a co-parenting relationship with your ex-spouse that you have come to a mutual agreement for the sake of your kids, Exercise, for seconds, walking is good for the heart and you could make it fun with the kids especially if they are still quite young. Or, maybe it’s the chance to spend a few more minutes outside in the sun.
In spite of your optimism, you will experience downs. Some days will be much worse than others. Some days are better, too! Resilience is always a positive trait to possess, but it can be especially helpful during a divorce. The ability to weather any situation that comes your way during and after the divorce process is golden. Resilience is affected by optimism and the ability to relax. If you’re pessimistic or stressing yourself out, your resilience will falter.
Being optimistic is a personality trait that will help you forget the past and choosing rather to Believe and Live Again in YOU.
Be Creative
You will experience a variety of new challenges during and after divorce. There is a famous Nigerian proverb which says “New devils New levels” This relates to a more intense level of prayers to handle the new challenges. In effect, in simple terms, new problems require new solutions. Having a creative, innovative mind puts you at a marvellous advantage. To encourage and foster creativity, here are some suggestions that can help you:
- Brainstorm solutions to your challenges. Spend some time each day generating ideas.
- Be cool under pressure. This one is a given and will go a long way to encourage creative ideas and witty inventions. You’re likely to experience more stress than you’ve ever had to deal with before. Dealing with stress effectively can enhance your career, relationships, and general outlook on life. My advice is to be proactive, preemptively look look into ways that lower the amount of stress you feel in your life. Prayer and meditation, progressive relaxation, and visualisation work for me. These are four of the many tools available.
The Art of Delegation
Meeting with your family lawyer, packing, looking for a new place to live, moving, and all the other things that can go along with divorce take time, the time you probably don’t have to spare. You’re also likely to need financial advice. You might need help mowing the grass or cleaning the house. Perhaps you’ll need the assistance of a mental health professional.
In addition, after the divorce, you may need help with all the things your spouse used to do for your family
With all these new demands, you’re going to need all the help you can get. Some people like to take care of everything themselves, but the ability to delegate can ease the divorce process.
Delegating effectively is an art form and a sure fire way to accomplish more in the run-up to your divorce, during the process and long afterwards too.
Learning to delegate tasks effectively to your support network can reduce stress while accomplishing much more in less time. Whether it’s your home or business you want to improve after divorce, a few changes can make all the difference in the world!
Effective Organisation
If there was ever a time that would tax your multitasking skills, a divorce proceeding is that time. Between meetings, paperwork, deadlines, and appointments, it’s enough to challenge even the most organised person.
- If you’re naturally disorganized, this is one of the most popular topics in any bookstore. There’s no shortage of information on this issue.
- As a side note, one of the greatest predictors of success is conscientiousness. Conscientious people are organised.
Having a Fun Attitude.
Divorce isn’t fun, but there’s no law that says you can’t enjoy yourself. Continue to get out of the house. Spend time with your friends and do the things you enjoy. Life doesn’t have to stop just because you’re getting divorced
How many of these traits do you have?
All of these traits are skills that you can learn. The personality you’ve developed to this point in your life might not be ideal for dealing effectively with a divorce, but you can make a few adjustments to smoothen your journey.
Interestingly, these traits are also effective for many other parts of your life. They can help your career and your relationships, so it is a win-win situation all the way.
Are you ready to rebuild your confidence and strengthen the personality traits you need to help you survive and thrive after divorce? Click below for a copy of my “Reclaim Self Esteem After Trauma Workbook”!!
With the Self-Esteem Builders workbook, you’ll uncover how low self-esteem develops, how other women have overcome this struggle, and what you can do to improve your self-esteem right now. Here’s a peek at what you’ll see in your workbook…
With the Self-Esteem Builders workbook, you’ll uncover how low self-esteem develops, how other women have overcome this struggle, and what you can do to improve your self-esteem right now. Here’s a peek at what you’ll see in your workbook…
I hope you have found today’s blog useful and has given you some clarity on how to move forward in your life. Please feel free to add your comments in the comments box, I would love to know about your key takeaways, how you are getting along and how I can help you further. Whatever you do, please take the process in your stride, it is all part of your Believe and Live Again recovery, bounce back and transition journey from being a “We” to becoming a “Me”
If you would like to have an informal chat about how to get clear on the steps to take to move forward don’t hesitate to get in touch on: +44 208 938 3672 and myself or a member of my team will gladly schedule a 30 minute Free Complimentary Believe and Live Again Clarity session and together, we could be embarking upon the Believe and Live Again 5 R’s journey to heal your heart, outgrow your challenges and let go of the past so that your glorious future can finally emerge.
Once again, I invite you to contact me or schedule a time to talk, call: +44 (0) 208 938 3672(24 hours) or click on the pink “Contact” at the bottom right-hand side of this page and this will take you into my “Let’s Talk” contact form. Kindly complete the form and you will get a callback.
In the meantime, Keep Smiling, Keep Strong and Keep Believing (that you can).
Best Wishes and God’s Blessings.
